


Impulse Buying and Anime Nostalgia: A Tale of (Sort of) Mistakes

by Exorciststuck



Category: Homestuck
Genre: M/M, Pre-Established Relationship, fleshlight
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-01-21
Updated: 2017-01-21
Packaged: 2018-09-18 22:09:40
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,624
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9404975
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Exorciststuck/pseuds/Exorciststuck
Summary: Something had arrived in the mail in a discrete cardboard box, and John wasn't sure why.That didn't stop him from sticking his finger in it.





	

Three AM on a Saturday night, all alone. It was a weird situation to be in for John. Most of the time, he’d be either asleep, relaxing with Dave, or partying with all of his friends well into the morning. But Dave had gone to bed hours ago, while John had been busy working on an essay that he’d been dedicated to finishing quickly so he could stop thinking about it until revision time. He was determined to be a good academic student.

But he still felt wide awake, that jittery post-academic adventure still buzzing in his veins as he tried to bring himself down from the over-analytical mindset he’d switched on. It was easier said than done, and no amount of calming music seemed to be doing the trick. It meant he had to pull the big guns out- mindless web surfing. 

That was what he’d been doing for the last hour, alternating between clickbait and videos that slowly guided him deeper and deeper into parts of the internet he’d never really felt the need to visit. And then, after stumbling upon his tenth video on which anime boy would be voted best husband for the year, he’d seen an affiliate link to a website featuring a hoodie with a pretty neat Sailor Moon design on it. The part of his mind that fed off nostalgia lit up, and he’d clicked his way into the sight without much more thought.

He’d spent a good while on that website, browsing through all their cool merchandise, trying to decide if anything was worth it for himself or others. But it was three am, and things started to get a little fuzzy towards the end, and when he’d finally shut his laptop and curled into bed with Dave all he could really remember was seeing a Tuxedo Kamen flashlight. They’d needed a flashlight pretty bad, he remembered. 

Move forward a week later, and John had found a plain cardboard box addressed to him inside their mailbox. Curious, and just a little concerned, he’d taken it upstairs and sat down on the couch, cutting the box open. And, inside in all it’s glory, a smaller box covered in pictures of Tuxedo Kamen mostly naked, presenting himself. Front and centre, covering the smut, was a glossy blown-up photograph of a fleshlight, obviously designed to allow the user to imagine Mamoru Chiba in any position necessary. 

John sat there on the couch, box on his lap as he tried to think of what led to this situation. Was it a gift? Probably not, considering his name was listed as the buyer on the receipt that came with the fleshlight. But when? The last time he’d been drunk enough to do something stupid like that he’d been too busy with Dave to do much else-

Did Dave do it as a joke? …No, he couldn’t have. He would’ve gotten something less obscure than an anime guy as well, it’d probably be some big boobed cat girl if his stupid loser fingers had done it. Which left John to believe that _he’d_ done it, at some point.

The receipt said January 5th, and it suddenly it made a lot more sense. And a lot less, because John could remember almost nothing except that he finished an essay and read a lot of articles. And… There was a website, they’d had Sailor Moon merchandise…

John put his head in his hands and groaned, long and low. Whenever he peeked out at the fleshlight he groaned again, offended at it’s existence and offended at himself for _somehow_ not considering that it might be weird buying any sort of light that had Tuxedo Kamen bending over and shooting the viewer sultry eyes. He was a mistake. This was a mistake.

Obviously, the only solution was to open the box though. Returning it wasn’t an option! Some things were just always final sale. Fast food, underwear, and sex toys. And, well… He couldn’t deny it was one of those things. Might as well see what was inside though. 

When he opened it, there really wasn’t much of a Tuxedo Kamen _theme_ about it, the plain flesh coloured plastic encasing flesh coloured silicone, and a slightly pinked wrinkled entrance that practically begged to have something put inside of it. 

John shoved a finger in. Why not, he figured- curiosity had already led him to open the box, and at this point it wasn’t like he could really return it to the store.

And, well… It was pretty tight inside. Not warm, but whatever company had made the fleshlight had done a good job making an accurate asshole for lonely guys who had fantasies about Sailor Moon’s boyfriend. And it wasn’t like he had fantasized about that specifically or anything, but his interest was piqued and when his dick stood up to show its interest, he knew exactly what slippery slope he was heading down.

Luckily, he knew Dave was exactly the sort of ridiculous person to store lube in the cubby hole of their coffee table just in case they got frisky on the couch. He felt a little bad wasting their passionate couch sex lube on messing around with a fleshlight, but it was for science. 

The instructions said to drizzle the lube around the rim and squirt a little inside, easy enough. John did that with one hand while the other stroked himself to full hardness, easily exciting himself with thoughts of how good it’d feel. 

Then he’d positioned the toy and slowly pushed it down onto his cock, and everything clicked into place. Immediately, he understood the appeal of the toy, and he sat back as his hips bucked forwards into the fake ass squeezing around his shaft. The lube made it such an easy slide as well, he pulled back with an enticing wet sound before thrusting again, starting up a rhythm that had him letting out soft moans quickly, one arm thrown haphazardly over his eyes.

It was like that, eyes closed and senses dulled as he focused on his own pleasure that he was disturbed. At first, it was that strange sense of unease that came with being watched, but then it was the touch of a hand on his arm and he’d jumped- jittery from years of pranks and cautiously avoiding his Dad discovering he’d learnt the joys of self loving.

Opening his eyes just revealed Dave though, who’d pulled his own arm back in surprise, until John started flushing red and he started smiling, proud of himself for catching his boyfriend in the act- the incriminating box was in his hand and everything. “Cheating on me with a sexy anime guy Egbert? Can’t say I blame you.”

The urge all of a sudden to toss the fleshlight right at Dave’s head and run was tempting, but John retrained himself from his baser urges and shrugged, beet red and unsure of how to respond. It’d just sort of _happened_ , everything from the buying to the opening to the sticking on his dick part. He had no good explanation.

Dave was smart, he knew what uncertainty looked like, and he planted a tender little kiss on John’s cheek, cuddling up to it. “Yeah, I get it. Can’t think straight with your dick shoved up something. It’s a real common problem, surprised they ain’t lobbying to have some sort of thinking drug for when you’re balls deep in something and humping away. That’s one way to increase worker efficiency.”

“But, uh… I was wondering if you maybe wanted a little help with that? You know, so you don’t overwork your wrist or something,” Dave licked his lips, nervous, and John shifted easily to press closer to him, moving his hand off of the plastic casing of the fleshlight. 

“I can’t believe my boyfriend wants to jack me off after he caught me using a fleshlight,” there was warmth blooming in John’s chest, and he cuddled up to Dave when a pale hand wrapped around the toy and started moving it for him, causing him to sigh and shift his hips up indulgently. “Feels good, s’not as good as you though.”

A huff of hot air brushed his cheek, Dave’s forehead hidden against his shoulder as the hand sped up. “Real flattering to know my boyfriend likes my ass more than Tuxedo Kamen, I’m charmed.”

“Good, you should be, mmm- you’re good at what you do,” he laughed, and then moaned, craning his neck to the side so he could kiss Dave’s jaw, working his way down to press feverish kisses on the sensitive skin there. 

He couldn’t see the way Dave’s eyes were trained directly on his cock, watching with fascination as the synthetic flesh of the fleshlight sucked him in each time, the wet sounds that had enticed John before mingling with the sounds of enjoyment John was making in response. It was a lot to take in, and even without any attention to his own growing arousal his movements lost their rhythm and focus, alternating between overwhelmingly fast and absentmindedly slow, lazy pumps. 

It pushed John right up to the edge, but it was when he picked up on Dave’s shuddering breaths that he was sent properly over the edge, back arching and hips jumping up as he spent himself in the toy, a drawn-out moan accompanying his orgasm.

Dave kept pumping him, slow and careful, and when he pulled the fleshlight off he couldn’t help but shudder at the dribble of cum that came with it, and the stickiness of everything.

Sated and satisfied, John leaned over to press kisses to Dave’s lips, before reaching over and snatching the fleshlight right out of his hand. “Your turn Dave!”

**Author's Note:**

> A pseudo-Christmas gift to [Dzu](http://dzueni.tumblr.com/) because they gave me the idea and I /had/ to.
> 
> Here's the actual literal conversation we had abt it:
> 
> [2016-12-19 7:33:51 PM] Dzutopia: 3. NSFW option woo woo -> john accidentally buys a fleshlight cause hed thought it was a cool novelty flashlight, but fleshy. Dave finds out and laughs at him for the next 50 years. Stuff happens and someone puts their dick in it.  
> [2016-12-19 7:34:20 PM] Mayor Yiffy: all of these are good but the third is ONLY good if its an anime one  
> [2016-12-19 7:34:27 PM] Mayor Yiffy: and john thought itd be a cool 90s anime relic  
> [2016-12-19 7:34:32 PM] Mayor Yiffy: and he opened it and its tuxedo mask's butthole


End file.
